Apples and Derpheads
by Lyra Kamiya
Summary: Snivy's sick of Emolga's flirtatious, selfish ways. Especially since that's HER idiot she's taking advantage of.  Why am I weak to tsun/kuudereXdorkus pairings? I regret nothing!  Apparently called ShellPWNageShipping.
1. Apples and Derpheads

A/N: Don't own Pokemon.

And for the first time in forever, I don't know why the hell I wanted to write this so badly, but I regret nothing.

Edit: Wow, the only thing more surprising than the pile of good reviews this has been getting... is that it's been getting them with some REALLY BLATANT errors sitting in the middle of it. i.e. entire duplicated paragraphs right in the middle of everything. Why has no one called this to my attention? Fixed now...

**Apples and Derp-heads**

There that dumb-ass was again, fawning over that manipulative little brat. Sure, they'd all made up, but that was half just to set a good example for the young'ns, and half because she'd honestly thought the new bitch could learn her place. Instead, while she no longer out and out brainwashed any of the boys, she still used her feminine wiles to get what she wanted left and right.

Snivy sighed, leaning back against the trunk, closing her eyes and trying to block it out. She was a loner anyway, what did she care? She'd pay enough attention to make sure little Axew wasn't warped by his new "big sister", and maybe Scraggy since he was young too, though he was enough of a snot the thought of him getting manipulated was almost worth it.

Oshawott was the worst though. He jumped to Emolga's every whim the instant she had it, and Snivy was fairly certain that was really the only reason she'd stopped with the Attract spam; she'd figured out she didn't need it to get at least that mon to wait on her hand and feet. Coupled with the way Iris jumped to her defense continuously, Emolga now had it made, aside from the rare moments where Pikachu or Pansage - the only other two mons around here with enough brains to notice her tricks - managed to notice.

Snivy heard the other girl's now-familiar chitter, and cracked open one eye to see what tomfoolery she'd talked what boy into now. Sure enough, Oshawott had rushed to her "aid", carefully setting his scalchop down in a puddle as use for her stepping stone... never mind how easily she could have flown over or stepped around the water. She huffed, closing her eye again before she could get irritated again.

But it was too late. A couple moments later she was still awake, and her tail was getting twitchy as the image of the normally proud (albeit undeservedly so) Oshawott letting his precious weapon be stepped upon replayed itself in her mind. The worst part was knowing what would happen next... Emolga'd wink at him, then carry on as though he didn't even exist while he sadly brushed the shell off and replaced it. Then a few minutes later she'd get hungry or bored and demand his attention again, and he'd give it because that was how he worked. He was just that stupid.

She hated seeing anyone be taken advantage of that blatantly, but he was enough of an idiot to let it happen to himself so she couldn't let it get to her. Could she?

"Emol~" she heard a moment later, and snapped upright, sneering and staring down from the tree. A few feet away, the little twit was rubbing her stomach sadly, pointing forlornly at the apples in a nearby tree. Oshawott puffed out his chest, pulling his scalchop off with one hand and pushing her back with the other, clearing his throat and assuring her this was a job for a man. Naturally, Emolga's eyes sparkled - up until he looked away, at least, after which point she just snickered as he cocked his shell back and hurled it.

It took him three tries to hit such a small target, but he managed to strike an apple's stem and cut it free. No sooner had Emolga begun to clap happily, Oshawott striking a victorious pose than the apple was interrupted mid-fall by a vine wrapping around it.

Oshawott froze in place, teetering nervously as his head tilted toward Snivy's branch. Emolga's made it there much more quickly, her eyes jerking to lock on the other girl she already knew was there. Her cheeks sparked immediately, gaze narrowing as it met Snivy's deliberately calm sneer.

The Vine Whip retracted, bringing the apple to Snivy's hands where she carefully took a nibble, staring at Emolga all the while. For a moment the squirrel stared back, then finally turned back around, turning on the waterworks to Oshawott. Her apple - her _favorite_ one, since _he'd_ gotten it for her, had been STOLEN by her royal bitchiness, and she was just starving.

He gulped, trying not to shake as he started to raise his scalchop toward Snivy. Clearly she'd stolen Emolga's apple, but she was terrifying in her own right. How could he stand up against that?

Unsteadily he took a step forward, waving his paw at Snivy and warning her – very nicely – to please give Emolga back her apple before he got mad. She merely scoffed at the empty threat, taking another dainty bite of her prize and staring past the whipped idiot to Emolga, who was desperately trying to hide her growing rage from her little pet.

She put her hands together, tilting her head and letting her eyes shine. "Emol~~~?" she trilled, batting her eyelashes as she begged.

Oshawott's heart skipped a beat, his cheeks glowing as he grinned sheepishly and nodded. He just couldn't say no when she was being so sweet and adorable, not even when he was up against bad odds. She cheered, wiggling around joyfully until he'd turned back toward Snivy, at which point her eyes glinted once more. It was so fun to have someone she could manipulate without wasting effort on Attract; all she needed with this one was her natural feminine wiles. It was just a pity that the trade-off was him being unbelievably stupid, but unlike her other willing victim, Axew, he was of some additional entertainment value... Like the fight he was about to be in, if she had her way.

He strode up to Snivy, head held high and one hand on his shell. It took a couple tries for him to get up the nerve to threaten her, and when he did it was still polite. Snivy raised one brow at him,, taking another small bite, waiting for him to carry through. "Osha...?" he cringed, trying politer still.

She swallowed, wiped her lips politely, and answered by raising one of her vines just slightly, waving it challengingly.

He cringed, feeling his knees shake, whispering one last plea not to make him do this before yanking his shell from his chest and swinging at her. Snivy tilted her body out of the way, avoiding his blind swing without moving her feet or setting the apple down. Panicked, Oshawott swung again, missing by a wider margin this time and barely keeping himself from falling over. It took one more badly missed swipe before he threw his scalchop down in rage and humiliation, drawing in a breath to shoot a Water Gun at Snivy instead.

It was then, as he spun around to aim the attack at his own teammate, that he saw Emolga, rolling around on the ground and laughing so hard she was holding her stomach. Snivy blinked when she saw he wasn't attacking, turning her head to see what he'd focused on instead, then relaxed, sighing.

Emolga was very clearly pointing at Oshawott as she laughed, something which disheartened him so badly the water escaped his mouth as a mere trickle instead of a blast. "Osha... wott?" he murmured, trying to affirm that she was indeed mocking him, though he certainly hoped otherwise.

She looked up for a second, struggled to keep a straight face, and then fell back over, laughing harder.

Oshawott nearly fell over himself, stumbling into sitting down and whimpering. His dear, darling Emolga that he worked so hard to protect and keep happy was making fun of him, and after he tried so hard. To make matters worse, Snivy was now glaring her down, clearly challenging her to come fight her herself.

Emolga took a moment to notice she was being challenged, and when their eyes met Snivy held out the apple, urging her to try and come get it herself.

The electric-type took one look at her boy toy, who now had tears welling in his eyes, and then back at Snivy, remembering what had happened the last time she'd tried to battle her herself. One bright flash of lightning later, Emolga was zooming back toward camp to cry to her trainer again.

Snivy sighed, finally setting the apple down and turning to look at Oshawott, who had upgraded from wibbling to full out bawling, calling after Emolga as he stumbled back to his feet. This only left Snivy to sigh again, harder this time, and reach out to pick up her teammate's forgotten scalchop. He was already plodding along after his lost love when her vine cut in front of him, holding up the shell and offering it back to him.

"...Osh?" He glanced over his shoulder at her, tears stalling for the moment as he figured out if this was a trick, a challenge, or just her giving it back. She rolled her eyes in response, pushing it closer to him, then gingerly pressing it to his belly and holding it there until he finally took it and replaced it on his own.

She left her vine in front of him a moment longer, until she was sure he was done following the little bitch for a moment, then brought it back and looked at the apple again. She wasn't particularly hungry, but it would be a shame to let it go to waste, provided that Oshawott wouldn't just flip out again, so she cut out the quarter she'd been munching on, then strode over and offered the rest to him.

For a moment he stood rigid, still forlornly staring off in the direction Emolga had run, hugging his shell to his chest. Snivy nudged him gently, snapping him out of it enough to take the apple and stare at it, before sitting down and just resting his forehead on it, crying all over again.

"Sni..." It took most of her willpower not to smack him at least a little for his stupidity, but Oshawott had been an idiot from the first minute she'd met him, and that didn't seem like it was going to change any time soon. Not to mention he was easily swayed by women anyway; at least the rest of Ash's pokemon had still tried to move after being hit by Attract, he'd just stood there dumbly. Now Emolga had been leading him around effortlessly for the last two weeks, and he was too much of an idiot to notice the way she cackled when his back was turned... the water 'mon was more oblivious than their trainer, it seemed.

She patted him on the shoulder with her hand before sitting beside him, eating her slice of the apple in silence. She wasn't sure how to feel; there was anger at Emolga for being the conniving little whore she was, naturally, and anger and pity at Oshawott for being fooled so easily and repeatedly, even after she'd shown him that it was a trick before. Somehow she was angrier at Emolga than ever before though, and she wondered why Oshawott's crying brought on that reaction, instead of further frustration with him.

Oshawott continued to sniffle, griping about how he had just wanted a cute girl to like him for a change, and that he'd been so happy to have more fans than just the two month old. Snivy couldn't help but chuckle as she listened to him bemoan how he wanted to be cool for a change, which only spurred him to add on how even she made fun of him.

In a moment of what might have been pity but was mostly concern, she reached out and placed her vine gently around him, giving him a half-hug. He sat up in surprise, waiting for the motion to turn into an attack, or for her to tell him to toughen up, but it never came; Snivy just continued to nibble at her snack, one vine around his shoulders as comfortingly as a vine could be.

He was an idiot, sure; more so than Ash or any of their other teammates. But that just made him all the more her idiot, meant she had to watch out for him particularly carefully. Including defending him from tramps like Emolga. She hugged him a little tighter for a second, then pulled her vine back, only for Oshawott to catch it in one paw carefully. He held onto it for a moment, wanting another moment of the hug but not wanting to admit such. When she looked up from his hand to his face, his eyes were shining with thankfulness, and he offered her more of the apple.

Snivy only got halfway through turning him down before tears started to well in his eyes again, so she sighed, reaching her other vine to cut another small slice for herself and nodding thankfully.

Oshawott was positively beaming as he watched her take the first bite, then, with a grin still on his face, he bowed his head, kissing the vine in his hand politely before letting it go. She stopped mid-nibble, surprised at the action, but before she could say anything he was already merrily munching away at the remainder of the fruit.

So she just smiled, scooting a little closer to _her_ idiot and finishing the snack he'd so graciously offered.


	2. Swimming and Derpheads

A/N: Well, I'd intended for this to be a one-shot, but 1. there was too much demand, 2. I love adorable things like this too much, and 3. the anime just keeps giving me ideas.

The good news is, I also managed to break my writer's block with this, so my output should be fantastic for a couple of weeks, minimum.

As always, if you only watch the dub of the anime, this has spoilers until episode... 35 I think.

Also as always, I feed off reviews much in the way a normal person would feed off ice cream, they are my motivation and heavily influence what I write next, so reviews are so appreciated for this and every fic of mine you read.

**Swimming and Derpheads**

_Lyra Kamiya_

Oshawott was beaming with pride. All around him his friends were abuzz with praise and admiration over how he'd saved them. Well, most of them; after the first few minutes, some of them had gone back to minding their own business about it. The younger members of the group had crowded up close to listen to the story of how he defeated their new teammate and gotten the herb to save them. Axew – always thrilled by the endeavors of his elders – was especially mesmerized.

Snivy was unimpressed, but still listening, if only to gauge how much of the story seemed to be true. Surprisingly there seemed to be little embellishment in his tale, aside from his poorly-worded dramatic flair, but one rather major detail seemed flawed, and it handed escaped her.

She stood up from her bowl as the story ended, taking a few steps to join the circle, then asked the pertinent question:

How, exactly, had he managed to find the herb when he hadn't been able to open his eyes in water just the day before?

He puffed out his chest proudly and grinned at her. He'd learned. He'd learned, and he'd kicked the butts of everything that lived in that entire pond, and now they had a new teammate too because of him. There'd been nothing to it in the end, it had been a piece of cake.

Snivy tried not to roll her eyes, though a piece of her did feel proud of Oshawott for his new-found ability. It was about time someone around here started pulling their own weight besides her, and if it had to be that idiot, then so be it.

Axew and Scraggy, always easily impressed, had instantly run up to their "big brother" and started begging him for lessons, wanting to know his secret. It caught him off guard for a moment, but after just a few seconds the two wide-eyed toddlers got the best of his ego, and he announced that he'd gladly give them, and anyone else who wanted to come along, lessons. His gaze lingered the longest on Emolga, grin straining with hope that she'd come along.

She cringed at the thought of deliberately going underwater; her cape wasn't exactly made for swimming, and occasionally her electricity got out of control when she was wet, which wouldn't be a pleasant experience for anyone involved.

Until she saw the squirrel's reaction, Snivy had planned on sitting this lesson out, especially since she already knew how to keep her eyes open under water – really, such a thing was a piece of cake for most anyone who wasn't weak to it. But seeing Emolga's gut reaction to the idea amused her to no end, and she decided this was a perfect time to torment her more. After all, how often did she get to see both Emolga and Oshawott making fools of themselves at the same time?

She unraveled one vine and looped it around the other girl, smirking and giving her a glance as she volunteered them both. It sounded like a useful skill, she explained, and besides, someone needed to help keep an eye on the little ones. It was the least they could do to thank him for saving them, at any rate.

Oshawott cheered, turning and rushing back toward the lake, completely oblivious to how Emolga was fuming behind him. Her cheeks sparked, teeth gritting as she glared down Snivy, but Axew had ahold of her hand before she had a chance to shock her. She blinked in surprise and quickly neutralized her charge – not actually a painful process, but certainly an obnoxious one – so that the little dragon received only the smallest shock from her, which he barely noticed anyway. She met his bright gaze with the biggest smile she could force, before he turned to share his excitement with Snivy too, urging them both to hurry.

Snivy nodded at him, letting go of Emolga and letting her be dragged off by Axew, sighing in relief as soon as they had moved away. She knew picking fights with her was overstepping her bounds, so if they had erupted into battle the moment before, it would have been her own fault, but she still didn't feel like ruining an outing over it.

Another deep breath later, she noticed Pikachu watching the hurriedly retreating backs of Oshawott and company, his ears perking as though he wasn't sure if he should follow or not. She called to him, nodding, and he smiled and relaxed against Ash again, closing his eyes. It had been a long enough day already, and from the stories he'd told the others, he'd had more than his share of being responsible in the last few years. As aloof as Snivy generally was, she had a soft spot for naive young 'mons, so she'd take care of them today.

She padded after them, apparently a little too slowly for Axew's attention span as he came rushing back to hurry her along after depositing Emolga at the lake's edge. He jogged in place for a second, and she smiled, impressed that he had his energy back so soon after they'd been poisoned. But that could be credited mostly to his trainer's impressive medicinal skills. She knew Liligants that couldn't have made the antidote better than Iris had managed.

She came to the water's edge to find Scraggy staring down his own reflection in the surface. It wasn't until he tried to headbutt it that she was even sure whether or not he understood what he was looking at; afterward, she could only grimace and rush one vine over to drag him back out of the water, and subsequently restrain him from attempting a second attack.

Oshawott had him distracted a few seconds later, and he stopped dragging at the vines long enough that Snivy felt comfortable to let him go again. She was starting to think maybe they should have brought a human down to the lake with them. After all, Scraggy wasn't even a month old, and Axew – well, he was older by a ways, but less mature because his species aged slower, and Snivy was just now realizing there was a good possibility neither of them knew how to swim.

To be on the safe side, she cleared her throat and reminded Oshawott that the rest of them couldn't breathe underwater like he could.

He looked confused enough that she wondered if he even realized _he_ could, then decided to err on the side of her sanity and assume he just took it for granted. Which meant she ignored the huge breath he took before dunking his head and starting to paddle around in the shallows, and instead politely hid her smirk as he splashed Emolga.

Emolga was too busy being disgusted by the pond water dripping off her fur to notice.

Axew hopped into the water behind his friend, giggling and splashing as he waded along until it was neck deep. Then he took a deep breath, trying to stick his head under and paddle along as Oshawott had done... only to discover that he did not float. Frustrated, he scrambled back to his feet and found another breath before flopping over again, having to practice the maneuver multiple times before figuring out how to pull himself along on the bottom by more or less crawling. The discovery made him come back up giggling, clapping at his own success before reporting to his "brother" that he was ready for the next step.

Meanwhile, Scraggy was easing into the water one step at a time, still looking for the jerk who'd tried to headbutt him before. The water felt a little cold, even through his pants, and he grabbed ahold of them, raising the waist to his armpits as he inched forward. The others were stirring up the surface too much for him to be distracted by his reflection this time, making him grin to himself that he'd scared off that other guy.

Once he was up past his waist into the water, he glanced at Oshawott, unsure of how to go from standing in the water to actually swimming in it. He moved his arms to demonstrate pulling himself along, then did a flip to show off the way he kicked. The entire idea seemed foreign to Scraggy, who was having a hard time with how sluggish the pond made him feel, both in temperature and in the drag it created. But it seemed fantastic, too, that maybe he could zip around in the water like that too, so he nodded determinedly before staring at the water again. For a moment he swayed side to side, raising one foot then the other, practicing the kicking motion.

Then he raised his arms, preparing to practice that as well.

He got through half a rotation before he started shouting in surprise and anger at the sudden rush of cold to his everything. Since he wasn't holding them up anymore, his pants were no longer acting like a wader's overalls, suddenly acting more like a bucket instead. "Scraaaaag!" He panicked, flailing his arms and trying to run toward the shore. He was slowed down further by the weight of the water as he struggled along, and everyone else dropped what they were doing to rush over to him.

Oshawott and Snivy each grabbed him by one arm, steadying the worried toddler as he continued to cry and thrash. Emolga had frozen when her first foot touched the water, then proceeded to do a panic dance of her own, though it far from rivaled Axew's. He scurried off in the direction of their trainers, who had already been alerted by all the shouting, and tried to run back with them so fast that he tumbled, leaving him to sit nearby and sob in fear.

Emolga could handle that, as much as crying annoyed her. Axew was too cute to hate or abuse, even to her (after all, he gave her food for free, even more readily than Oshawott, so what was the point?), so she glided over to him and began consoling him, drying his tears while the humans scooped up the other crying baby.

Pikachu and Snivy exchanged glances as Scraggy was scooped effortlessly from the water by his "daddy", holding desperately onto his pants like they were his blankie. That didn't make the sogginess go away though, and now he didn't know whether to be sad or angry, so he settled on headbutting Ash's shoulder repeatedly while crying while being carried away. Snivy shrugged in apology – she honestly hadn't seen this one coming. Sure, she was concerned for the kids, but she'd been more prepared for him to inhale water than get waterlogged.

Pikachu took a second to check up on Axew, who had calmed down thanks to his "auntie" (Emolga refused to be his "sister", because that lumped her in with all the other dolts) but was still sniffling. He patted him on the head before following after Ash, satisfied that Axew was only a little scared and hadn't suffered a similar drowning incident.

Snivy crossed her arms, frustrated with herself for letting things escalate, even if the incident had been sudden. She was trying to be responsible, but had to admit that as a loner, she wasn't used to predicting the stupidity of others. Inexperience was probably more accurate in this case; Scraggy was too young to be called dumb just yet, though Ash was a poor role model on that front. At least she could take some solace in the fact Emolga had the same problem, though the feeling of superiority she had over the electric 'mon took a serious hit from the idea.

She looked at Axew, who was drying the last of his tears as he traipsed back toward a visibly-shaken-but-still-determined Oshawott. It would be harder for anything crazy to happen with him, but she'd seen him sink before. Maybe she could help him with that.

Her vines reached him before she did, wrapping gently but securely around his waist. He looked at her in surprise, then only let her get halfway through her explanation of helping him swim before he threw his stubby arms around her in a hug of gratitude.

Snivy tried not to blush almost as hard as she tried not to notice the snarl that crossed over Emolga's face.

Satisfied that his other charge wouldn't meet with disaster now, Oshawott waded back in, then floated along next to Axew. The little dragon seemed to be floating now himself, with Snivy's vines to hold him at the surface.

He had to count to three twice, because the first time Axew was too busy giggling to inhale properly. Once he'd calmed down, they both dropped below the surface, and Oshawott counted again, instructing him to open his eyes on his mark.

Axew did so far more easily and readily than his teacher had managed, a fact that would remain unmentioned. His head turned slowly at first, taking in the vast, blue world around him... then more quickly, in search of something interesting to look at. Much to his frustration, everything looked the same – just various blurred shades of blue, not the cool underwater landscape Oshawott had described before. He wondered where he'd gone – he'd been right in front of him when they were on the surface – and called for him.

Or tried, at least.

Snivy lifted him free of the lake as soon as she felt him start bobbing on the line, so to speak, and held the sputtering toddler above the water as he coughed out the mouthful of it he'd inhaled. His panic was momentary, unlike his little brother's freakout minutes before, and as soon as he realized that everything seemed a lot drier all of a sudden, he calmed down. Shock seemed to take over him as he was overwhelmed by sheer confusion, blinking repeatedly and even rubbing his eyes, letting out another cough. Oshawott was still right in front of him, like he had been before.

"Ax!" he shouted, and the otter popped back out of the water, quite perplexed. He spent a moment insisting that everything was really, really blurry down there, and it was kinda scary.

Snivy had to cut Oshawott off when he tried to tell Axew he hadn't had his eyes open far enough. His eyes had looked plenty open to her, and since he wasn't a water type, he probably couldn't see very well underwater; his eyes probably lacked the proper focus. Both boys seemed unsure what that meant, exactly, but they discussed what to do about it anyway – after Snivy had lowered the tyke again, so he could splash about once he became uninterested in their conversation.

Emolga had watched the whole thing in silence long enough, and she snapped, starting to call them all idiots before she remembered her acting.

Axew and their evolutions lived in dense forests where they couldn't see very far, so they didn't need very good vision, she explained, and Snivy wondered if the superiority dripping from her voice was purposeful, or if she'd gone so long without insulting someone that it was leaking at this stage. They did most everything by smell instead, and Axew probably couldn't see all the way back to the picnic table, even if Snivy were to lift him high enough.

When asked if that seemed right to him, Axew just sniffed the air and pointed back toward their trainers excitedly, declaring that Mommy was over there.

Everyone was silent for a moment as they decided what should be done. They all frowned, except Emolga, who was busy basking in her victory.

Sheepishly, Axew asked if he could go check up on his baby brother. Snivy let go of him and nodded, and he rushed back toward Scraggy and the others, grabbing Emolga's hand and dragging her with him before anyone could object.

Oshawott sighed, flopping into a back float and staring at the sky, which was just starting to darken as the sun neared the horizon. He'd been a hero not 20 minutes earlier; now he was back to the status quo, half ignored, half forgotten, and all defeated. He was a lousy teacher.

Snivy shook her head, closing her eyes to hide their roll as she strode into the water. She already knew how to swim with her eyes open, and was sadly probably better at it than the water type. But he didn't know any of that, and she wasn't about to tell him, either.

His other students had been too young, she suggested, and he shot upright so fast he bobbed under for a second; he hadn't realized anyone else was still there with him. A single giggle escaped her mouth in reaction before she could catch herself as she waited for him to regain his poise. She still wanted a lesson, if he would be so kind.

She'd play along, even if his ego didn't really need any feeding. After all, even after his idiocy was factored in, it was far more peaceful there at the pond where there were only the two of them, than back at camp with everyone else.


End file.
